Sharing My Testimony


A month into my senior year of high school, I remember getting up in front of my youth group and sharing my testimony. I shared about my complicated family history, struggles with anger, and about my issues with making friends. I went on about how, through Jesus, I was able to work through those things and how my life was better for it.

While I believe that experience to have been very impactful, if I were to stand up and share my story again, there's a few things I would do differently...

Sharing my testimony 2019

The Beginning


Every time I talk about my childhood, I always feel the need to explain some things:

  1. I have had a total of five earthly father figures before becoming an adult
  2. I refer to three of them as: My Biological Dad, My Sister's Dad, and My Dad

Growing up I was consistently told how mature I was for my age, and as much as that was intended as a compliment, I knew it was only because of the hardships I endured that I was so mature.


My Biological Dad

When my mom became pregnant with me, my biological dad wanted nothing to do with me. When I was born, he would do the bare minimum in taking care of me while I was under his watch. By the time I reached middle school, I hadn't been in contact with him for years. Eventually I started receiving letters and as I got older he started messaging me through facebook. To this day, I only receive messages on holidays or my birthday.


My Biological Father taught me what it meant to feel abandoned.

My Sister's Dad

When my sister was born, her dad made it very clear who was his favorite. I would get scolded for breathing on him and be called a "piggy" whenever I asked for seconds at the dinner table. When he grounded me, I would be fed only buttered bread and a cup of water because "that's what you'd be fed in jail" and if my parents fought it would end with him telling my mom to take me and leave, but to leave my sister behind.

Any moments that I was shown love or acceptance as his own were rare and fleeting. I would walk on eggshells, worried that at any moment I would do or say the wrong thing and the moment would be over. It wasn't until watching the growth & development videos in the 4th grade that I had even realized I had been sexually abused and what I had thought to be fatherly love and acceptance were in fact not.

After my parents separated, I had a really tough time making friends. I put up walls to protect myself, I acted as if nothing phased me, and I was a bully, because at the time I thought the only way anyone would accept me was if I forced them to.


My Sister's Father taught me what it meant to feel worthless.

My Dad

In 2014 my biological dad decided he was going to fight for custody of me. As a result my parents got married, my dad adopted me and my little sister, and we gained two older siblings. For 7 years I was a part of a healthy family.

By 2022, my parents had split up due to my dad, who was formally an addict, starting to drink again. In August of 2022, my fiancé and I moved in with my dad to assist in saving money for the wedding.

In the time that we lived there, I would have frequent panic attacks due to my dad getting drunk and screaming at me to pack my stuff and get out of his house, or threatening to take my dogs out back and shoot them. I was constantly told how ungrateful I was, that I was wasteful with my money, and that it didn't matter what I thought because it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted. I spent all my time in the basement or at my mom's house just so that I wouldn't have to face my dad.


My Father taught me what it meant to feel insignificant. 

Finding Jesus

During a period of time when it was just me and my mom, she asked me what I wanted with our relationship. Me being fairly young, I told her I wanted two things:

  1. Recycle
  2. Go to Church

So we did just that. At that point I still didn't fully understand what church was. I knew that I liked hanging out with the people there and remember giving my life to Jesus, but had no idea what that meant. In the 5th grade a friend from school invited me to Wednesday night service for 5th and 6th grade. I started frequently attending, but it was still more of a social hour for me than anything else. It wasn't until a couple years later, on a Sunday morning, there was a special guest; someone who taught martial arts. He had all of us write something we were struggling the most with on a block of wood and one by one he called us on stage and had us kick through that block. For me that word was Anger. It was in that moment, when I broke through that board, that I really started to dive into what it actually meant to belong to Jesus.


My Heavenly Father

My Heavenly Father taught me what it means to feel cherished

  •  Psalms 139:1-12 (NLT)

My Heavenly Father taught me what it means to feel worthy

  • Ephesians 1:5 (NLT)

My Heavenly Father taught me what it means to feel valuable

  • Matthew 18:12-14 (NLT)

Today

My life is certainly nowhere near perfect. I still struggle sometimes to feel accepted and fully confident in myself, but through Christ I make it through. I am constantly searching for joy even in the toughest of moments, and although I have had a rough history with earthly father figures, I know my heavenly father will never abandon me, and that my worth can always be found in Him. I make it a goal to seek Him out when I'm struggling with my self doubts and try to carry myself in a way that reflects what He has done in my life.

Sexual Assault Hotline:

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available. Call 800.656.4673 or go to rainn.org and click the "Chat Now" or "Live Chat" icon to chat online with a trained staff member who can provide you confidential crisis support.