Iron Sharpens Iron
“If I told you my story, you might think that I took the grief and drama of others and claimed it for my own. But through all of the adversity, I never really saw it as such…”
Solace on a Rock
Pam was violated as a child. The molestation started when she was seven or eight years old and lasted throughout her teens. It wasn’t constant or continuous, and it occurred from various relatives on both sides of her family. It left her wondering, “ What was wrong with me? Did I provoke it? Deserve it? Did I have a scarlet letter on her forehead?”
Pam wanted to die, she was filled with so much shame, guilt, and secrets. She found solace on a rock by the river and met God there. “He saved me and strengthened me”
Motherhood
All Pam ever wanted was to be a mom. Two years passed without a child and she was told that it would “never come to pass”. After tests, surgeries, hormone therapies that make you crazy, and intimacy because “the timing was right”, Pam cried out to God, and He blessed her.
She experienced the joy and pain of childbirth, feeling so blessed to cradle that infant in her arms. Pam knew that the little human was not created by her, that a power far superior made the plan to develop skin, bone, organs, senses, hair, nails, and little toes from two small, but very microscopic cells. “I was not the creator, only the vessel.”
Her babies grew up, and their bond grew stronger. “I remember the day my youngest spilled his milk and looked up at me with such fear…” That still small voice inside her told her, “You’ve got to stop. You have to get help”. Unresolved issues come out in very ugly ways. “I loved from a distance. I didn’t know how to shed that protective barrier and love fully”, She said.
A Call from the Sheriff's Department
“I know the pain of watching your children suffer the consequences of their decisions” Pam said she would have, “suffered for them if she could, but then they would not learn”.
When she received a call from the Sheriff’s department, about accusations made against one of her children, she was devastated. She went and sat on a mound of dirt in her backyard and cried out to God with tears streaming down her face, “What the F**k do you want from me God? What do you want!” His answer is one she will never forget, “Give the child back to me, they don’t belong to you, that child is mine”
In that moment, Pam realized that God has the same love for us, His children, as she had for her child. How could she not trust Him to care for her child?
To Worry for a Daughter
Pam knows what it’s like to worry for your daughter when she comes home from college pregnant, and unmarried. To wonder what the future will be like for her and her child, to know that life will be difficult, and to want to prevent that suffering. “Adoption, may be the best for the both of you”, Pam suggested, but she was adamant. God said, “I’ve got this”. Watching her daughter work through it, Pam blamed herself, said a litany of “if only…”, but there are no redos in life. Again, she cried out to God, and He told her that if she is always jumping to be the savior, her daughter would never realize her need for Him. Letting go was one of the hardest things she’s done.
To Have a Gay Son
Pam knows what it is like to have a gay child, and experience gay-bashing sermons and condemnation of Christians who don’t understand, that’s her son and she will always love him, he is part of her. When she called out to God, He said, “He too is my beloved son, trust me to protect him”.
To Recognize Abuse
“I know what it’s like to know your child is in an abusive relationship and that all you can do is pray that God gives them the courage to walk away before it’s too late”. And He did.
Marriage
“I married young”, Pam told me. Partly to escape and partly because she thought, “If I didn’t marry this man, no one else would ever want me – damaged goods”
After nearly 35 years of marriage, Pam stood before a judge and signed the divorce decree. She wept so hard that she couldn’t see. The man that she had vowed to love walked her down the aisle and out of the courtroom. “It wasn’t supposed to end this way”. Till death do us part was supposed to be a physical death, not the death of the marriage. It wasn’t what she wanted, but she could no longer live alone in a marriage.
She sobbed as she slipped the ring off her finger and prayed, “What now God? How could I fail so miserably? Will anyone ever love me?”
Starting Over
It was a difficult time; separation, divorce, losing a job, then moving a state away from family and friends… starting over. Now living in the “desert of Peru”, Pam was alone for the first time in her life. She kept praying, “What’s the plan? What is my purpose? What am I doing here? Will I be alone forever? God I have no one.” And God kept answering, “I am more than enough. I am all you need”.
“Trust me” reverberated through her brain. For the first time, she wasn’t anyone's daughter, or wife, or mother, she was just Pam. And that time, in the “desert of Peru”, was shaping her.
Tragedy
About three years into her Peruvian life, Pam made the decision to look for a job in Ft. Wayne and move back home, to be closer to her sister and closest friend. Four months later, her sister was dead, stabbed to death in her bed. When she was accused by her perpetrator, she was angry. “Why God? Why us? Why my family”, she called out. God answered, “Why not? Are hardships and heartache only for nonbelievers? You have me to see you through”.
Pam realized that her family was not the only one hurting. His parents had lost a son, his son lost his father. She forgave, for he too is one of God’s children.
Two months after the death of her sister, Pam stood beside her friend in a hospice unit. She prayed that God would bring her friend peace, and as she said “amen”, her friend took her last breath.
Pam cried out to God, and He said, “You can’t go back, I’ve brought you too far”.
The People on our Paths
“I don’t think it’s by coincidence or chance, the people God puts in our path to teach us, to mold us, and to help us grow”, Pam said, “Every person I dated, every church I visited, every hairdresser I’ve met, had a lesson to teach me.” She has learned that her “normal” wasn’t the same as everyone else’s “normal”. Diversity is not just color, and thank God that we’re all so unique!
Religion isn’t a relationship, and hate shouldn’t be preached from the pulpit, and we’re not meant to sit in pews. Love is relational, God isn’t religion, and worship is an action. We are meant to live out the scripture.
God's Love
So many times throughout the years, Pam has run to God, raged at God, and even turned away from God. Sometimes there are no words, sometimes the prayer is just, “God, if you really exist…”. The truth is, we don’t deserve the bad times, but we don’t deserve the blessings either.
Pam states that she has been blessed beyond measure with amazing children, beautiful grandchildren, a loving partner, and great friends. She’s had opportunities that so many never imagine. God is with her through it all. She may turn her back on Him, run ahead or into His arms, but He’s there, always. It’s what loving parents do.
Sexual Assault Hotline:
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available. Call 800.656.4673 or go to rainn.org and click the "Chat Now" or "Live Chat" icon to chat online with a trained staff member who can provide you confidential crisis support.
