Background within the Church
Mackenzie didn't grow up in the church. She recalls only attending church whenever she would spend the night with one of her friends. Her friend's mother made it a requirement, telling her that if she was going to spend the night she had to attend Sunday morning church service along with them the following morning.
The only other time that Mackenzie would go to church was the occasional Wednesday night when her parents just wanted her and her brother out of the house.
Busy Mindset
From a young age, Mackenzie had it poured into her that, "You need to keep yourself busy or you'll be considered lazy. You have to have a good work ethic, if you take any time to rest, shame on you. You should constantly be doing something."
This instilled the need to achieve parental praise in Mackenzie's life. She felt if she didn't accomplish X, Y, and Z that she wasn't good enough. Oftentimes she would wonder how her parents could love her if she wasn't performing for them.
Childhood Personality
Mackenzie relates that work ethic mindset to the fact that she was an A/B student, who was shy, quiet, and mostly kept to herself. She says she viewed school as somewhere you go, get what needs to be done, done, and leave.
She states that she didn't have many friends, so she spent a lot of time with herself, developing a pattern of overthinking and processing things too deeply.
The impact of the words
At the age of fifteen, after being told by her brother, on a weekly basis, that she was "too fat and no one would ever love her because of the way she looks", Mackenzie developed an eating disorder.
She would starve herself, skipping breakfast and lunch, then barely eating anything at dinner. This went on for approximately 9 months, she lost 50 lbs during this period.
No one questioned her not eating until a few months after she passed out in her kitchen.
Taking Caring to a new level
Mackenzie doesn't believe that she had a bad childhood, but once her parents became aware of her struggles, she feels the level of care changed. She states that originally it felt like her parents cared for her as per their parental duty, but now they take the time to check in, and ensure that she has eaten, knowing it now to be a struggle.
Encountering God
While sitting in her bedroom, judging her body in the mirror, Mackenzie recalls hearing a voice that could only belong to God. She told me,"I had such a deceived perception of myself at the time that I knew there was no way it could have been me."
She heard God say to her, "Mackenzie, you are my child. You need to come back home. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I did not make you this way. I do not see you this way. You are not like this."
This was the first time she looked in the mirror and saw herself instead from God's perspective. "God caring about this minute detail meant the world to me", she shared.
Putting in the work
Mackenzie states that it took time for her to dive deeper and more fully change her perception of herself, and to this day she is still working through it and occasionally still struggles. She knows that her struggles are the work of the enemy, utilizing food against her.
Looking back she says that she was so broken, "you wouldn't think food would be an enemy, but for me it was". She is glad to have encountered the Lord, believing she would otherwise still be in that pit today.
Today
Mackenzie started attending church at the Vineyard in October of 2021. Since then she has been to a couple of adult retreats where her faith has been stretched.
She was called to leave her job at one of these retreats and work in the school ministry for 8 months. She also has been moved into more leadership positions and has been gifted in prayer. Mackenzie states that she never viewed herself as a leader and has never been good with words, but "the Lord makes a way if He wants to make a way and He provides the tools needed to thrive".
In the midst of chasing after God, many of Mackenzie's friendships and family relationships have been challenged. "It's difficult to keep moving forward when everyone doesn't have the same ambition towards God" she shares.
Looking Back
"If you asked me when I was fifteen if I would have a relationship with God at the age of twenty, I probably would have said no"
Mackenzie has been eating better, but knows she still isn't eating enough, and that is something she feels she will continue to struggle with for awhile, but she can imagine that the fifteen year old version of herself would be in awe of where she is at today.
