Broken Home
When Zoë was four years old her mom and dad both had split and remarried. Being so young, she didn’t quite understand what was truly going on with her parents, all she knew was that they didn’t like each other and that she had to switch between households.
Zoë recalls, after her mom had married her stepdad, she became very hostile towards Zoë.
“She would constantly scream over little things, at me and my sister, and was just a very violent person”
Not knowing anything different, Zoë thought that the way she was being treated by her mother was normal, thinking that she was being punished. By age 10, her mother started to become physically abusive, putting her hands on Zoë, slapping her mouth if she ever said something backhanded , pushing her against the wall, and leaving marks on her skin.
Zoë reported what had been happening to her stepmother and CPS got involved. Her parents assured CPS that they were not abusing their children, and Zoë and her siblings, not knowing what abuse looked like, didn’t say anything about what had been happening and told CPS that their parents did not abuse them.
After the incident with CPS, Zoë’s parents put her in therapy.
“I was so young, I honestly did not know what therapy was, but I went along with it.”
It took Zoë awhile to find a good therapist, but she didn’t really open up about anything, feeling uncomfortable and thinking that she would be judged. Even after finding a therapist she was comfortable with, Zoë still didn’t open up.
“My mom was never emotionally available, so I never knew how to talk about my feelings or my emotions without getting brushed off and yelled at for it.”
Self Harm and Addiction
By age 12 or 13, Zoë started self harming.
“I didn’t even know why I started self harming. I think that I was just a very angry kid, and I felt like I had myself to blame, and I thought that I made it this way, so I took that anger out on myself and did that because I thought it was normal, and also I think social media, at a young age, also influenced that because, seeing other people do it makes you wanna do it too”
The abuse started to take a toll on Zoë, causing her to have extreme anxiety and depression. In the eighth grade, she got involved with the wrong friend group, and started vaping and smoking pot. She got away with it for a while, until the principal found vapes in her backpack and she was suspended. Even after getting caught, Zoë didn’t care. She continued to vape and smoke when she went to high school, with a new group of people, but the same habits and addictions.
“No matter how many times I'd get caught and got suspended, I still loved that feeling of not feeling real and not having to think about anything”
An Attempt
Eventually, Zoë started to get bullied over a person she was dating at the time. She got cyber bullied heavily on social media, leading her to attempt to overdose and take her own life. Zoë ended up waking up the next morning, as if nothing had happened, went to school, eyes puffy and in baggy clothes. When she went to the nurse’s office that day to take her antidepressants, she slipped up and ended up telling the nurse what she attempted to do the previous night. The nurse reported the attempt and Zoë was forced to get evaluated.
“It was probably the most traumatic experience of my life, being sent away from my parents for two weeks. I was in a waiting room, waiting to get out and I never knew when I would get out, because they didn't tell us, and it was just so miserable. There were people there that I didn’t know, I had to sleep in a room with someone that I didn’t know, and I was forced to open up about everything with people listening and watching. It was just horrible. I wasn't even allowed to go outside. It just sucked so bad.”
When Zoë was released into her dad’s care, she went straight into being grounded for vaping and smoking. She eventually ended up back at her mom’s house, and started sneaking her sister’s phone to get on social media and text.
Assault
One night, while she was at her mom’s house, Zoë’s cousin came over and talked her into sneaking out and inviting a friend over, whom she had never met before. They spent some time walking around the neighborhood, talking, going to the school, hanging around at the park, just being sneaky. When they returned home, her cousin’s friend started flirting with her. Zoë, who was craving the attention, flirted back. They spent the night hanging out together and eventually began dating. Zoë would sneak him into the house every night, he would spend the night, and then return home.
This went on for about two weeks, until one night he came over and told Zoë he wanted to have sex. Zoë didn’t really know what she wanted, she didn’t really know what to do.
“I was very uncomfortable, but I wanted him to want me still, and I wanted him to want my body and to validate me.”
After trying and failing, Zoë told him she was uncomfortable and wanted to stop, and either go to sleep or for him to just leave. She just wanted to get out of that situation. He then asked to try again, and when Zoë said no, he forced her, sexually assaulting her that night.
“He was telling me how bad he did not want to hurt me, and he apologized, but I was just frozen. I didn't really know what to expect from that, and I didn't know what just happened. I thought, what did I just do? What just happened to me?”
The next morning at school, Zoë told her friend that she thought she may have been sexually assaulted the night before, not entirely sure.
“I just felt completely lost, I had no idea what I was feeling or even if it was sexual assault, I didn't even know, I was questioning that because I thought I was being over dramatic”
Zoë describes feeling emotionless or numb, not really crying. She kept the assault a secret from others, still wanting validation from him, feeling guilty, and not wanting him to leave her after what had happened. Once he broke up with Zoë, she went and told her mom what had happened.
Zoë’s mom called her dad, not really believing Zoë, thinking she was lying, but needing to inform her dad that Zoë had said this. The next morning, cops arrived at her house, and Zoë started telling them what happened. Her mom, however, was telling them that it was her own fault for sneaking him into the house, and her fault that he had done that to her.
Unfortunately nothing ever happened after that visit. At school, everyone was saying she was lying about being sexually assaulted, and just mad that he had left her, and she was just making rumors up. Her therapist at the time had dropped Zoë as a client, due to them not connecting. Struggling with everything that had happened to her, Zoë continued to smoke weed and get high, numbing all the pain she was feeling.
A year later, an ex-girlfriend came forward about him doing the same thing to her, but again nothing ever came of it.
“I never got justice for what he did. He never got in trouble, nothing happened. So, now I carry that weight with me every day.”
Given Grace
The summer after she had been assaulted, Zoë was still sneaking out every night, doing drugs and smoking weed. One night she was caught by a cop out past curfew and he gave her grace and told her to call her mom. When she did, her mom said she wanted nothing to do with her anymore and told the cop to take her wherever he’d like. She was taken to her dad’s house, where she resided for a few months.
Her dad started making her attend Crossroads Recovery at the church. She had been before, when her dad had started attending, but she never really cared, she just went. This time, however, she started to get involved, got baptized, started building a relationship with the Lord, and was sober.
After a few months, Zoë returned to her mom’s house, started hanging out with people she shouldn’t have been and ended up relapsing. When she moved back in, the abuse from her mother had gotten worse.
“She would constantly call me lazy for sleeping all day, because I was depressed and verbally abused me, calling me names, calling me ugly, saying she wished she never had me, calling me annoying and just basically saying how much she genuinely hated me and wished I was never born.”
Zoë lived with that until February 2024. She was still active in the church during those months, getting closer to God, building that relationship, but still coming home to her mom telling her how much she genuinely regretted having Zoë and that she didn’t want her to be alive.
Fighting Back
In February, Zoë had enough and fought back, and stopped letting her mother disrespect her. Her mother kicked her out of the house, and Zoë moved in with her dad permanently.
“I was miserable. I had to leave my baby brothers behind, knowing that they were not safe, and were getting yelled at every day”
Zoë continued to go to church, not looking back, only looking forward. Her mother would actively text her apologizing, but Zoë believes that God was tired of her going back there.
“He couldn’t sit there and watch me be treated like that. I know that was the thing to do, was leave, because it was so hard living with her.”
Zoë didn't go to her house at all. Didn't see her. She was getting closer to people at church, doing better at school, got a job, got her life together.
In May, Zoë’s mom informed her that she was moving across the country with Zoë’s brothers and sister.
For the first time in months, Zoë decided to visit her mom. They had started to rekindle their relationship and Zoë was hoping to convince her to stay.
“After my last day hanging out with her, I was just like a mess. I felt so guilty for leaving her, but I also felt guilty for not being mad. Because, I have every right to be mad for everything she's put me and my dad through.”
In the past couple of months, Zoë has gotten back into therapy and is one year clean of self harm and will be one year clean of smoking and vaping in November.
“I have such a good support system at church and at CR. I love my support system at crossroads and I'm just so thankful that my dad was the parent that changed his addictions and stepped up for me, because I know that God put us together for a reason. I am thankful that he didn't treat me like my mom did.”
Zoë is still in contact with her mom, and they’re on good terms right now. She hopes that someday everything will be fine, but is currently focusing on her future, her relationship to God and getting into college.
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:
If you are considering suicide, or if you or someone you know is in emotional crisis, please call or text 988. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
Sexual Assault Hotline:
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available. Call 800.656.4673 or go to rainn.org and click the "Chat Now" or "Live Chat" icon to chat online with a trained staff member who can provide you confidential crisis support.
