Growing Up
Growing up, Zoe knew about God, but didn’t really have a relationship with Him. With her grandparents being pastors, Zoe and her family would attend church every Sunday, and she would listen to them preach, but was too young to fully understand what it meant to have a relationship with God.
Zoe’s mom and grandmother didn’t have a good relationship,
“My grandma didn't really like my mom, for reasons, I will never understand”
After a heated argument, Zoe and her mom stopped attending church, and eventually stopped talking with her grandmother, causing Zoe’s already nonexistent relationship with God to come to a complete end.
Cousins
Around the time that they cut ties with her grandmother, the house Zoe and her family were living in at the time, caught fire and they were forced to move into an apartment in a dangerous environment.
With Zoe’s mom and grandmother no longer talking, Zoe’s mom was struggling with childcare and enlisted Zoe’s cousins to help babysit while she was working.
Not long into them coming to babysit, Zoe’s oldest cousin began to molest her, sending her younger brothers into a separate room, and making Zoe promise not to tell anyone about what he was doing.
“And obviously, because I cared about him, I didn't tell."
Shortly after being molested by her oldest cousin, his brother started to molest her also, the two of them taking shifts.
This went on for a couple of years, Zoe going to stay with her dad and his girlfriend as a form of escape, the molestation stopping only after they moved away.
“My mom never noticed it because she was always working and when she wasn't working, she was at home depressed, not wanting to do things”
Moving
With her mom struggling with her own mental health, Zoe ended up taking care of things around the house.
“It was hard because she couldn't do what she needed to do as a parent, I had to do those things. I'd be trying to find food for my brothers, grocery shopping, and waking them up in the morning to get them dressed.”
Eventually, Zoe and her family were kicked out of the apartment and moved in with her dad’s now ex-girlfriend, her dad being in and out of her life after they broke up.
“I don't blame him for it anymore, because I realize he was doing his best.”
Zoe describes being “really scared” when they broke up, worried she had lost her only escape from what was being done to her.
Eventually, Zoe’s mom and her dad’s ex had a falling out and his ex moved Zoe’s family upstairs, before moving out and leaving them to figure out a new living situation.
Zoe and her family ended up moving in with her aunt and cousins for 2 years, which unfortunately ended up ruining her mom’s relationship with her sister.
Having moved around so much, Zoe was continuously changing schools, and ended up getting bullied by kids at school and her cousins.
It was around this time that Zoe started understanding what her cousins had done to her and how wrong it was, so she started avoiding them, and not wanting anyone to find out what had happened.
“I didn't want everyone to be mad at me for letting it happen, and I was really scared. I told myself I couldn't tell anyone what happened because no one would believe me”
Dark Thoughts
When Zoe was in the 6th grade, Zoe and her family ended up moving again to Washington Gardens. At this point, Zoe started struggling with depression, having no friends, and a bad relationship with her teacher.
“I felt uncomfortable in my body because of what happened, I was also feeling worthless because my dad had left me again, and I only had my mom who was depressed again because she couldn't provide for us in the way she felt like she needed to.”
Zoe started to have dark thoughts, constantly thinking about dying and hurting herself.
In the 7th grade, Zoe ended up moving again and started to feel isolated. She began self harming and started having nightmares about when she was molested. Zoe’s family moved a few more times, her dad was no longer in her life, her older brothers had decided to move out of state, her depression got worse and she started to have suicidal thoughts. Zoe began struggling with sleep paralysis, so she stopped sleeping altogether.
It eventually got bad enough that Zoe attempted to overdose and end her life. After not being successful, Zoe told a friend what she had attempted to do the night before, and it was reported to a teacher and social worker.
When Zoe’s mom found out about what she had done, she made her talk regularly with the social worker to learn some coping skills.
“I found ways to cope, but they stopped working after a while, so I got back on to the same stupid things.”
Zoe eventually opened up to a teacher about being molested and the social worker and her mother were informed. The information wrecked her mother, and Zoe felt so guilty feeling like she should have kept it to herself. Not knowing how to handle the situation, Zoe’s mom called her uncle and grandfather…
“which it didn't work, because my issues became their issues, so I had to comfort them, because they were crying to me and telling me how bad they felt about what happened to me, but nobody ever really asked me how I felt”
Zoe got really angry, feeling worthless.
“I felt like I was just put on this earth to cater to other people. and nobody actually cared about me”
Recovery
Zoe tried to commit suicide for a 3rd and final time, shutting down completely. After failing, Zoe decided to move in with her grandmother over the summer to help her around the house. Feeling isolated again, Zoe stopped eating.
The following school year, Zoe started drinking and smoking, knowing her dad used to do so, and wanting to understand what he had felt.
Zoe’s dad suddenly died at this time, and Zoe’s drinking got worse. She started putting liquor in her water bottle and downing it on the way to school, arriving at school drunk. She did this for almost an entire school year before a teacher found out and called the police.
Zoe was sent to the hospital and eventually transferred to OakLawn.
“I only sobered up because of Oakland, like, I stopped drinking and smoking because of that place, cause they drug tested me once a week”
Even though she was sober, Zoe was still self harming at this point. She was in a program, taking drug classes and going through therapy, and about halfway through she started to take it seriously.
While working through the program and being forced to talk about everything that happened, Zoe’s mom died of cervical cancer.
It was difficult, but Zoe pushed through her mom’s death, trying her best to keep up the work she was doing in the program. She was almost a year sober when she got the news, and worked hard not to relapse.
After graduating from the OakLawn program, Zoe was prompted to attend Crossroads Recovery. Through Crossroads Recovery, Zoe started growing a relationship with God. She began to develop ways to use all the bad things that had happened to her for good.
She has met people who have gone through similar experiences, and is able to help others through her own experiences. Zoe eventually quit going to therapy and dove deeper into the church, attending youth group, and Sunday services.
Joy in Grief
“After my mom died, I was in my bedroom listening to worship music that she used to listen to and I felt God telling me that everything was going to be fine, and even though my life was actively falling apart, He’s still good and can still help me, and he still loves me, even after I abandoned him 30,000 times. He still cares”
“I was still depressed because I was forcing myself to push down everything that I felt about my mom's passing to take care of everyone else in my house”
After finally letting herself cry, Zoe learned that crying wasn’t going to make everything better, but that she had to actually put in work to heal.
Zoe started taking God seriously, reading her Bible every night and having worship parties in her bedroom. She put in the work to try to understand God’s character and who He is. Zoe still grieved her mom’s death, but was able to still feel joy in her newfound relationship with God.
Zoe still struggles with depression, and has moments where she feels herself pulling away from God, but is still continuously learning to work through it and pull herself out of it, not allowing herself to sit in her sadness. She’s allowing herself to process the things that have happened to her and allow God to work in her life.
“I feel more organized, my thoughts aren't chaotic because I'm not trying to control everything I'm letting him take control. where he sees fit.”
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:
If you are considering suicide, or if you or someone you know is in emotional crisis, please call or text 988. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
Sexual Assault Hotline:
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available. Call 800.656.4673 or go to rainn.org and click the "Chat Now" or "Live Chat" icon to chat online with a trained staff member who can provide you confidential crisis support.
